All about Jack Sparrow and others
by threeheadedmonkey
Summary: I was wondering what our favourite pirate would reply if he were sent one of those Get to know your friends emails...If you want me to do more characters, just send me your suggestions and I'll see what I can do:
1. Jack Sparrow

GET TO KNOW YOUR FRIENDS…all about Jack Sparrow!

_I was in a very silly mood when I wrote it (as you can probably tell) : ) Oh, and English is not my first language, so apologies in advance for any mistakes! _

NAME: **Captain **Jack Sparrow. Please don't forget the 'Captain'!

LIVING ARRANGEMENT: In my cosy, cuddly cabin on board the Black Pearl. I did the interior design myself - do you want to have a look?

FAVORITE PASTIME: Capturing ships, looting, lying on the beach drinking rum, finding cursed pirate treasures and going shopping.

FAVORITE BOOK: "101 Kraken Recipes for the Health-Conscious Buccaneer"

THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Standing at the helm of the Black Pearl, feeling the wind in my hair and knowing that I look splendid and absolutely fetching.

THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Three words. Rum. Elizabeth. Fire. I don't want to go into any detail about that. Thank you for understanding.

FAVORITE SMELLS: Rum!

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK WHEN YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING: Why's the rum always gone?

FAVORITE FOODS: Sea turtles with rum sauce.

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: Both. With rum, of course.

STORMS, COOL OR SCARY: Cool, except when it blows away my lovely hat!

FAVORITE DRINK: Water. Hahahaha, I fooled you, didn't I?

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT THE WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE: It would be nice if there were no East India Company and no old Fishface Davy Jones.

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE: I don't want to change anything about myself, but I would like to change something about that Barbossa. Eunuchy snip snip, savvy?

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE: Yes...with the sea and with the Black Pearl!

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL: Empty? Has that Elizabeth been here again? Or that bloody monkey? Speaking of monkey, where is he anyway? I want to shoot something!

WHAT'S IN YOUR ANXIETY CLOSET: Forcing me to join the East India Company and wear one of those incredibly drab, boring uniforms. Sometimes I wonder if those chaps are all eunuchs...

WHAT'S YOUR LOFTIEST DREAM: Having my own shopping island with a pirate boutique, a jewellery store, a make-up artist, a hatter and so on, just off Tortuga.

WHAT'S YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE: Being forced to join old Fishface's crew and slowly turning into a sea creature. Imagine how HORRIBLE I would look! Pale bluish green doesn't suit me at all...

WHAT DO YOU WISH PEOPLE KNEW ABOUT YOU THAT YOU FEEL THEY DON'T: That I've got a jar of dirt, and I won't hesitate to use it!


	2. Barbossa

NAME: Barbossa. Hector Barbossa. Oi! Why are you laughing, you scabrous dog?

LIVING ARRANGEMENT: In the captain's cabin on MY ship. Don't listen to what that Sparrow fellow says, it's not his. Never was.

FAVORITE PASTIME: Stealing cursed treasures, marooning people and watching a beautiful young girl eat.

FAVORITE BOOK: "Curses Are Forever" by G.P. LeChuck

THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Biting into a nice, juicy green apple and seeing Jack Sparrow shrinking into the distance on a small spit of land where we've marooned him.

THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Realising that you needed the blood of the fellow you've just chucked overboard to lift the curse. Oh, come on, would YOU have thought about it?

FAVORITE SMELLS: I don't remember, it's a long time since I last smelled something. No, it doesn't have to do with the curse, being unable to smell is something that happens to you if Jack Sparrow breathes into your face too often!

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK WHEN YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING: Nothing I'd want to repeat here, since there may be children reading. Being cursed DOES ruin your day, you see…

FAVORITE FOODS: Apples, silly. You HAVE seen the film, have you?

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: Neither…you still haven't realised what my favourite food is, have you?

STORMS, COOL OR SCARY: I'm not afraid of anything, I'm a mean, cool, cursed pirate! And besides, what's a storm compared with my sister Trudy when she finds out that the monkey has chewed the wallpaper again?

FAVORITE DRINK: Caribbean Coma Extra Strong Pirate Rum because it makes my eyes so nice and yellow.

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT THE WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE: I'd make everybody put warning labels on the lids of the chests that contain cursed treasures. In at least ten languages, and pictograms for those that can't read!

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE: What stone have you been sleeping under? What's that film about if not getting rid of that blasted curse?

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE: Oh yes. Her name was Polly, and she had an apple orchard just outside of Bristol…

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL: You ask someone who is cursed and stuck between life or death such a question? I'm perfectly fine, thanks, and no, I'm NEVER sarcastic!

WHAT'S IN YOUR ANXIETY CLOSET: Being stuck in Purgatory with that Sparrow fellow continually singing "Dem Dry Bones". I KNOW that the head bone is connected to the neck bone and so on, I can see it in my shaving mirror more often than I like. Thank you very much!

WHAT'S YOUR LOFTIEST DREAM: Anything that involves a nice house with a garden, a pretty woman at my side and lots of apples!

WHAT'S YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE: Biting into an apple and not being able to taste it and having to wear the hat Jack Sparrow promised to buy me because I know his taste and can imagine what that hat would look like!

WHAT DO YOU WISH PEOPLE KNEW ABOUT YOU THAT YOU FEEL THEY DON'T: Whatever you heard about why I wanted that dress back, it isn't true!


	3. The Kraken

NAME: Kraken. Just call me Kraken. We sea creatures all have scientific names as well, of course, but don't you think they're awfully formal?

LIVING ARRANGEMENT: In an octopus' garden in the sea. It's very nice there, I love the view!

FAVORITE PASTIME: "Breaking the gallant ship in twain and sinking her in the sea", as the song goes, and collecting shiny objects. I still have the heart of an octopus, after all!

FAVORITE BOOK: "Yo-ho-ho, A Cephalopod's Life For Me" by my best friend, the giant squid.

THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Finding a shiny object that's compatible with my size – and that really isn't easy!

THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Being chased by a pod of extremely hungry sperm whales or a mad human fantasizing about seafood pizza and octopus in tomato sauce.

FAVORITE SMELLS: We cephalopods can't smell, but I loved it when I sank that tea clipper and released two hundred tons of the finest Earl Grey!

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK WHEN YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING: I like to be under the sea…

FAVORITE FOODS: Fish and ships. What do you mean with "terrible pun"? Alas, you humans have a very doubtful sense of humour, you really do…

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: Definitely vanilla. A few weeks ago I ate a merchant ship loaded with cocoa beans, and I didn't feel too well afterwards. Can you imagine the amount of camomile tea I needed?

STORMS, COOL OR SCARY: Cool, because they mean Davy Jones is busy elsewhere and doesn't get it into his head to summon me.

FAVORITE DRINK: Salt water, of course!

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT THE WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE: More sea, less land…

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE: I would invent giant earplugs so I don't hear when Davy Jones wants to summon me again. I'm not getting any younger, and I need a nap every now and then!

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE: There was this lovely anglerfish once; she had beautiful big eyes and such a cute bioluminiscent appendage on her head…but her father was against it. Sigh.

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL: What kind of stupid question is that? I don't have a glass!

WHAT'S IN YOUR ANXIETY CLOSET: Say, have you been at the rum again? I don't have a closet either! In case you haven't noticed, I'm a Kraken!

WHAT'S YOUR LOFTIEST DREAM: Having my own TV show, like that funny little yellow sponge that lives on the next reef.

WHAT'S YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE: Ending up as the world's biggest octopus salad!

WHAT DO YOU WISH PEOPLE KNEW ABOUT YOU THAT YOU FEEL THEY DON'T: That I HATE eating sailors! They're tough, stringy, sometimes poxy (uuuugh!), usually soaked in rum, and have a really odd taste.

From the song "Octopus' Garden", written by Ringo Starr in 1969. Don't own that either, but I love it!

A long and dramatic ballad known as "James Harris, or The Demon Lover", "The House Carpenter", "The Cruel Ship's Carpenter" and many more. It's the "Demon Lover" or the devil that destroys the ship and not the Kraken, but I simply love the line "He broke the gallant ship in twain and sank her in the sea"…

I had no time to eat dinner before I went to the cinema to watch "Dead Man's Chest", and I really like eating squids and octopuses, hence those fantasies…


	4. Elizabeth Swann

NAME: Elizabeth Swann

LIVING ARRANGEMENT: In my Daddy's house on the outskirts of Port Royal. Yes, the one that's going to run out of candle holders if a certain young man visits us more often…

FAVORITE PASTIME: Standing on a beach and throwing sand and small stones at three stupid men who behave like little boys squabbling over a hobbyhorse.

FAVORITE BOOK: "Shipshape - The Pirate Housewife's Practical Guide" by Elaine Marley.

THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Managing to hit one of said stupid men behaving like little boys with my sand and stones.

THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Fainting very convincingly without any of those three noticing.

FAVORITE SMELLS: Burning rum!

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK WHEN YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING: On normal mornings I don't think much, but when I wake up on a lonely, nameless island where I was marooned together with a certain pirate: "Urrrgh, my head…somebody shoot me, please – but quietly!"

FAVORITE FOODS: It used to be roast chicken, but the next time Jack annoys me it will drastically and extremely quickly change to Jack Fruit Shish Kebap!

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: Neither, as both remind me of rum. Ugh! I only have to _think_ of it to get a headache…

STORMS, COOL OR SCARY: Cool. It's the ship's crew that can be pretty scary, not the storm itself!

FAVORITE DRINK: Anything that isn't rum!

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT THE WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE: I would ban corsets and make women's dresses so that they can swim in them instead of almost drowning and having to be rescued by a grubby pirate! Oh, stop pouting, Jack…you can borrow my favourite handbag if that makes you feel better!

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE: I could use a louder voice…

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE: Yes, of course…though I don't know with which one of the two. Do you think I should toss a coin?

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL: Don't know about a glass, but those rum bottles were RATHER empty when I had finished with them…er, I mean, when _Jack_ had finished with them…cough…cough…

WHAT'S IN YOUR ANXIETY CLOSET: For some strange reason, a corset and a bottle of rum.

WHAT'S YOUR LOFTIEST DREAM: Getting rich because I've developed a new kind of floating petticoat that can save your life by inflating if you fall overboard or off the battlements of a fortress.

WHAT'S YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE: Getting ready for a social gathering and noticing that a certain pirate has nicked my eyeshadow…AGAIN!

WHAT DO YOU WISH PEOPLE KNEW ABOUT YOU THAT YOU FEEL THEY DON'T: That I don't chain _every _man I kiss to a mast, only a select few!


	5. Bootstrap Bill Turner

_Apologies to everybody because I said I'd be doing Will first; the idea for this one hit me last night while I was singing "Smith of Bristol" with my best friend. Will is going to be next, I promise! _

_Maybe it's just me, but I thought Will resembled Guybrush Threepwood in the first half of the film…_

NAME: "Bootstrap" Bill Turner

LIVING ARRANGEMENT: At the bottom of the sea, strapped to a cannon by my bootstraps. (How's that for irony, matey?)

FAVORITE PASTIME: Growing barnacles on my face and pondering the apparently wrong career choice I took.

FAVORITE BOOK: The waterproof editions of "Captain Blackbeard's Illustrated Pirate Joke Book" and "Down Among The Dead Men", Davy Jones' autobiography.

THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Seeing Barbossa's face when I told the crew that Barbossa's real name is Smith of Bristol!

THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Realising that you better keep your mitts off cursed treasures because that means you might have to spend a long and extremely boring time tied to a cannon at the bottom of the sea.

FAVORITE SMELLS: Anything that has nothing at all to do with the sea. Down here, even the smell of that pigsty in Tortuga becomes alluring after a while…

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK WHEN YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING: Hmmm…it looks as if it's going to be another wet day…

FAVORITE FOODS: Seafood. I don't have much of a choice, after all.

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: Chocolate, because I've heard it's good for the nerves…I have to admit I'm getting a bit irritated down here…

STORMS, COOL OR SCARY: Scary, because it really gets messy down here if a ship sinks. Bits of people floating around everywhere, and those sharks all over the place. Ugh.

FAVORITE DRINK: Rum, of course, but you don't really get it down here. All you get is seawater, which is fine at first, but after the first five years it starts getting on your nerves!

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT THE WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE: It would be good if they established courses of pirate further education, such as "How To Recognize Cursed Treasures" and "Curse Lifting for Beginners".

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE: I would like to find a good plastic surgeon to take those barnacles and that unbecoming starfish off my face.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE: Yes, with Will's mother. Too bad I fell in love more badly with gold, and ended up like this; you always know better afterwards, don't you?

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL: Completely full…but unfortunately with sea water!

WHAT'S IN YOUR ANXIETY CLOSET: Cannons and bad-tempered freaks who have squids for a head and an obsession with organ playing.

WHAT'S YOUR LOFTIEST DREAM: Being back on dry land again and partying with Gibbs and the other lads, but not before I've had the opportunity to kick Davy Jones where it really hurts!

WHAT'S YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE: Being at the bottom of the sea, tied to a cannon and unable to die and being made to watch my favourite play interrupted by at least ten commercial breaks for the Trustworthy Pirate Life Insurance, Captain Blackbeard's Flaming Beard Solution, Anne Bonney's Fiery Red Hair Dye and so on.

WHAT DO YOU WISH PEOPLE KNEW ABOUT YOU THAT YOU FEEL THEY DON'T: Guybrush Threepwood is NOT my son!


	6. Will Turner

NAME: Will Turner. Not "Whelp". And Definitely NOT "Eunuch"!

LIVING ARRANGEMENT: In a little room above Mr Brown's smithy. The one with all those posters from the "Sword and Cutlass" magazine on the walls.

FAVORITE PASTIME: Making swords, practicing with them and thinking of Miss Swann…sorry, Elizabeth!

FAVORITE BOOK: "How To Become A Really Cool Pirate While Avoiding Embarrassing Mistakes".

THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Growing a really cool, piraty beard.

THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Breaking off a candle holder and not finding an umbrella stand to hide it in.

FAVORITE SMELLS: Steel that's been heated to exactly the right temperature. Er, what do you mean with "Get a life"?

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK WHEN YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING: Oh, I don't think much, I just hug my fluffy sword and try to stay in bed for another five or ten minutes, until Mr Brown comes hammering on the door and shouts at me to get up.

FAVORITE FOODS: The Junior Surprise Bag from McBlackbeard's, because they contain those cool pirate action figures. The swords they have are very realistic – a craftsman is always pleased to see his work is duly represented!

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: Definitely chocolate. I love a mug of hot chocolate after I've been practicing with my sword – shut up, Jack, don't you DARE say anything!

STORMS, COOL OR SCARY: Scary, especially since the one we experienced with the Interceptor. I said to Mr Gibbs that I was afraid of being washed overboard, and he offered to get me a rope made of human hair to secure myself. I still have nightmares about that!

FAVORITE DRINK: It used to be milk, but now it's milk with a dash of rum. I'm Bootstrap Bill Turner's son, after all!

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT THE WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE: It would be nice if they could hurry up and invent the returnable bottle system; I could make a fortune returning Mr Brown's empties!

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE: I would prefer looking less like Guybrush Threepwood…

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE: With Elizabeth, of course – but each time we want to marry, something gets in between. We've already spent a small fortune on dinners, dresses, suits and everything, and by and by it's getting rather annoying.

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL: Half full, as I'm optimistic by nature, but half empty when I've just had some very important event in my life ruined because of a certain pirate!

WHAT'S IN YOUR ANXIETY CLOSET: Someone replying "Ah, the eunuch!" when I tell them my name. (And I thought "Ah, the spittin' image of ol' Bootstrap" was bad…)

WHAT'S YOUR LOFTIEST DREAM: Being as cool a pirate as Jack Sparrow, but only if I don't have to wear mascara and walk like a seasick duck!

WHAT'S YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE: Waking up one morning and discovering that what a certain pirate has been saying about me is actually true.

WHAT DO YOU WISH PEOPLE KNEW ABOUT YOU THAT YOU FEEL THEY DON'T: That should be rather obvious…that I'm not a eunuch, of course!


	7. Ragetti and Pintel

NAME: Ragetti and Pintel.

LIVING ARRANGEMENT: On board the Black Pearl, the two hammocks next to gun number two on the larboard side. It's next to the pigs and goats, but they've grown accustomed to the smell.

FAVORITE PASTIME: Arguing, chasing Ragetti's wooden eye and did I mention arguing?

FAVORITE BOOK: Ragetti: The Bible in Pictures. Pintel: Another book with pictures in it, but of a different nature…nudge nudge wink wink!

THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: _Pintel, tell him how we were in Tortuga and had this huge big – _(Pintel smacks Ragetti on the back of the head) Shut up! I'M doing this questionnaire!

THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Having to shove Jack Sparrow along the plank, but only because he insisted on turning back five times, as he had forgotten his stupid hat, his effects, his Anne Bonney and Mary Read poster, his collection of rum mugs and his "My Little Pirate Ship" set!

FAVORITE SMELLS: The sweet, proliferous bouquet that is Tortuga…

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK WHEN YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING: Ragetti: Where's me eye! Pintel: Must…smack…Ragetti…must…smack…Ragetti…

FAVORITE FOODS: Ship's biscuits without a single maggot in them. Ah, the luxury!

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: Are those the two new girls that came to Tortuga last month? Well, we haven't had the opportunity to get to know either of them, so we really can't tell!

STORMS, COOL OR SCARY: Cool – almost as much fun as taking a walk on the seabed, at least until that stupid idiot Ragetti loses his eye again!

FAVORITE DRINK: We're sailors, poppet – what do you think we'd like to drink?

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT THE WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE: It would be great if people had more respect and appreciation for smelly, grubby pirates!

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE: Unlimited credit at the Boozy Turtle Bar in Tortuga would be nice!

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE: No. We don't have time for that, being a pirate, cursed or not, is a full-time job!

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL: Half full, but it gets empty pretty quickly when we're around! (Ragetti sings "Drink up, me hearties, yo-ho", gets smacked by Pintel and scrabbles off after his eye.)

WHAT'S IN YOUR ANXIETY CLOSET: Closet? We have a sea chest, and you don't want to know what's in there, poppet, as it might cause you some anxiety…

WHAT'S YOUR LOFTIEST DREAM: Having our own ship. But, alas, we argue too much, so it would never work. (Ragetti is thinking of making a remark about irony, but a throbbing pain in the back of his head reminds him that shutting up can be a very good idea at times.)

WHAT'S YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE: Soap, water, nail clippers, combs and clean clothes. Eeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww.

WHAT DO YOU WISH PEOPLE KNEW ABOUT YOU THAT YOU FEEL THEY DON'T: We have a heart of gold, we really have…somewhere down under all that dirt…


	8. Commodore James Norrington

_I don't own the song "Good Morning Starshine" either, it was written by James Rado. I only let it play in my head from time to time. I don't own the Muppets and their version of Treasure Island either, and I don't make any money with that either. Truly a shame, as a few pieces of eight would come in handy..._

NAME: Commodore James Norrington.

LIVING ARRANGEMENT: In my tastefully designed, stylish quarters in the fortress of Port Royal.

FAVORITE PASTIME: Chasing pirates and being the coolest Commodore in the world.

FAVORITE BOOK: "The Pig Whisperer" by Joshamee Gibbs.

THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Having a new wig in the latest "cannon curl" style that proclaims that I'm a really cool 18th century dude.

THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Seeing that grubby pirate Jack Sparrow stealing my boat…ship.

FAVORITE SMELLS: The absence of Jack Sparrow's breath!

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK WHEN YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING: (sings) Good morning Port Royal/ Norry says hello/Those pirates among us/Will soon be below…

FAVORITE FOODS: Anything that's tasteful, elegant and refined. Just like me.

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: Neither is valiant and manly enough for me – I much prefer the scent of the sea and of gunpowder!

STORMS, COOL OR SCARY: Cool, except for the one we got into off Hispaniola, the one where we met a ship captained by a green frog that had a very energetic lady pig on board.

FAVORITE DRINK: Only the finest old sherry imported from Jerez especially for me. I would never touch the vile stuff this pirate rabble drink!

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT THE WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE: I would banish all pirates except for a few I'd keep for my own entertainment. When I get bored I could chase them across the sea for a while every now and then…would be a nice change from the daily routine!

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE: It would be nice if I could be in all places at once so I could catch more pirates! Other than that, I don't think I need to change anything about myself. I used to be vain, you know, but these days I KNOW I'm simply gorgeous, irresistible, witty and clever…

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE: Yes, but the ungrateful creature ran off with that blacksmith. If I weren't such a flash, dashing commodore I would really get angry now!

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL: It used to be half full, but then Jack Sparrow swaggered by and drank it all up!

WHAT'S IN YOUR ANXIETY CLOSET: I know it's pretty irrational, so please don't laugh – my only fear and phobia is having to have a swordfight on a moving giant waterwheel…

WHAT'S YOUR LOFTIEST DREAM: Becoming _Admiral_ Norrington so I can get more power, more ships and can kick more pirate butt!

WHAT'S YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE: Waking up arm in…er…trotter…with a Tortugan pig, and not knowing how I got there…

WHAT DO YOU WISH PEOPLE KNEW ABOUT YOU THAT YOU FEEL THEY DON'T: I'm a bit of a scallywag and rebel myself – sometimes I fold and seal official correspondence the wrong way on purpose! Whoooooo!


	9. Cutler Beckett

_Insert usual disclaimer here. I'm only doing this for fun – that's enough of a reward. _

NAME: Cutler Beckett. Actually, _Lord _Cutler Beckett.

LIVING ARRANGEMENT: In the elegant little house that useless Norrington moved out of a few months ago.

FAVORITE PASTIME: Strutting around showing off my waistcoat and threatening people.

FAVORITE BOOK: "Short Men with Big Wigs – A Comparative Biography of Vertically Challenged Villains" by Largo LeGrand

THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Getting a new waistcoat. A brocade one. Lilac-coloured. Ahhhhh!

THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Being surrounded by people towering over me, such as that Swann girl. What is it with these people, why do they always have to make me feel short? They'll be sorry…VERY sorry…when I chop off their legs at the knee!

FAVORITE SMELLS: The smell of success that continually surrounds me.

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK WHEN YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING: What waistcoat do I wear today? The blue embroidered one? The green paisley one? The blue one with the peacocks? The red brocade one? (This is the reason why I get up at 4 AM, in case you wondered.)

FAVORITE FOODS: Peas. I don't like beans, I always have the feeling they mock me. I'll get Mercer to pull them all out, trample on them and then throw them in the fire!

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: Definitely chocolate. I like a mug of hot chocolate in the evening when I'm tucked up in my bed with my teddy…er, I mean, when I'm at my desk and plotting the downfall of all that pirate scum!

STORMS, COOL OR SCARY: Cool. I'm not hiding in my wardrobe, I'm checking my lovely waistcoats for moths!

FAVORITE DRINK: That red stuff in the decanter the Turner whelp didn't want. Doesn't matter, though, as that leaves more for myself. Cheers!

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT THE WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE: I would make everything much smaller so I look even more impressive – not that it's really necessary, though!

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE: I don't have to change anything about myself. I'm perfect as I am.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE: Yes, of course – with money, success, and, best of all, power!

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL: Are you insinuating that I'm SHORT again? Wait, I'll have your hide, and then I'll brand you, I'll flay you alive, I'll stab you and…and…and…gasp! Could you hold that pistol to your temple for a moment while I sit down and get my breath back?

WHAT'S IN YOUR ANXIETY CLOSET: The heart of old Fishface Davy Jones leaving a nasty stain on my lovely mahogany desk. That desk cost a fortune!

WHAT'S YOUR LOFTIEST DREAM: Controlling the sea because I have old Fishface's heart, because that means I can finally take up surfing and be able to enjoy only perfect waves!

WHAT'S YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE: Waking up and discovering that I'm not the dashing, bold and good-looking Cutler Beckett, but a short, pink-complexioned man with a squeaky voice and a funny wig!

WHAT DO YOU WISH PEOPLE KNEW ABOUT YOU THAT YOU FEEL THEY DON'T: That I DON'T have a liking for big swords because I have to compensate something!


	10. Davy Jones

_Disclaimers: Same as always. _

NAME: Davy Jones

LIVING ARRANGEMENT: NOT in my locker, silly, it's far too small!

FAVORITE PASTIME: Playing my organ and being nasty to people and/or to my crew. Unlike those young people of today, I still take being a villain and a sea demon seriously!

FAVORITE BOOK: "Squidward's Great Book of Fun Pirate Activities".

THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: The look on my victims' face when I tell them that the afterlife is not going to be a kiddie birthday party.

THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Seeing that Jack Sparrow prance along the deck of his precious ship with that jar of dirt. That was really horrible. Oh, and discovering that my heart is gone from the chest (pun not intended)!

FAVORITE SMELLS: Rotting seaweed. Come on, don't look so disgusted – have you ever wondered where the ambergris for your perfume comes from?

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK WHEN YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING: Ahhh, another morning…another maritime disaster…another fulfilled and busy day!

FAVORITE FOODS: Raw fish. It's the octopus in me, I can't help it.

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: Neither, thank you. I prefer my pipe, as both chocolate and vanilla taste awful in combination with salt water.

STORMS, COOL OR SCARY: Cool, of course, because it means that we get something to do and I get new crewmembers to torment.

FAVORITE DRINK: Now could I drink hot blood…no, wait, sorry, that was that Hamlet fellow!

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT THE WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE: It would be nice if people had a bit of a heart for squids…and, as my crew asked me to tell you, for other sea creatures as well!

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE: I would love to have a tentacle piercing. It's the latest thing down here in the ocean, you know?

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE: Yes, of course – where were you when they explained that in the film? Buying popcorn?

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL: Since I'm almost continually surrounded by water, I'd say it's completely full.

WHAT'S IN YOUR ANXIETY CLOSET: Hordes of hungry seafood lovers…

WHAT'S YOUR LOFTIEST DREAM: Having my own "Landworld Centre" under the sea where I keep humans in huge glass tanks with air inside, and sea creatures can look at them and study them. Something tells me that this would be a good business idea!

WHAT'S YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE: Meeting that cruel woman who made me cut out my heart again. Bloody marriage bureau person said she was the perfect match for me. Oh yeah.

WHAT DO YOU WISH PEOPLE KNEW ABOUT YOU THAT YOU FEEL THEY DON'T: I'm going to publish a book with my own compositions next month, called "Undersea Serenade". You'll need a few tentacles to play those pieces, of course, but if you're really interested I could take care of that for you!


	11. Clanker

_Disclaimer: Same as usual. Don't own anything except my own strange ideas. _

NAME: Clanker

LIVING ARRANGEMENT: On board the Flying Dutchman.

FAVORITE PASTIME: Intimidating people like the Turner whelp, and playing Liar's Dice with the lads.

FAVORITE BOOK: "Not Without My Hat" by Captain Jack Sparrow.

THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Watching Maccus wash my socks for four weeks because he lost at Liar's Dice. Ha!

THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Losing at Liar's Dice because that meant having to wash Maccus' socks. This is an experience I wouldn't wish my worst enemy to have…

FAVORITE SMELLS: The smell of my socks after they've been washed by Maccus. Hmmm, seaweed soap!

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK WHEN YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING: Eeeewwwww…scallops all over my pillow! It seems I'll have to use my special shampoo again!

FAVORITE FOODS: Marrowbones. I love them when they're nice and crunchy, and they're even better when they're still attached to their owner!

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: Vanilla ice-cream, because it goes so well with the marrowbones. Hmmm, now I'm hungry!

STORMS, COOL OR SCARY: I'm not scared of storms, I just hold Jimmylegs' hand because HE is afraid!

FAVORITE DRINK: Rum Surprise (named that because you're surprised that you can still stand after you've drunk it). Sadly, even the innkeepers in Tortuga refuse to serve me – as if I looked any worse than some of their other clients!

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT THE WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE: Why can't all the people just like each other? Pirates, Navy chaps, undead monkeys, barnacle encrusted zombies…aren't we all the same underneath? If you cut us, do we not bleed? Alright, _some _of us don't bleed, I know, I meant in a more figurative sense!

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE: I would like to have my hair permed, but I don't think they've invented anything that works with seaweed hair yet. Sad, really!

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE: No, not yet. I'm still waiting for Miss Right to float by.

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL: Hahaha. Good question. I'm slowly turning into a walking reef, I have to serve Davy Jones for a hundred years, and it's bloody boring on this ship because all the fun a sailor can have in a port is denied to us. Any more questions? 

WHAT'S IN YOUR ANXIETY CLOSET: Er…more scallops?

WHAT'S YOUR LOFTIEST DREAM: Getting my revenge on those annyoing scallops by opening a small but elegant seafood restaurant. They drive me nuts, dangling around my face like that!

WHAT'S YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE: Discovering that Maccus is actually starting to look attractive. Eeek! I'd better not think about that!

WHAT DO YOU WISH PEOPLE KNEW ABOUT YOU THAT YOU FEEL THEY DON'T: I really enjoy seeing people get down on their marrowbones to pray before me!


	12. The Black Pearl

_Insert usual disclaimer here. I'm only doing this for fun – that's enough of a reward. _

NAME: The Black Pearl

LIVING ARRANGEMENT: On the ocean, wherever the wind and the sea take me.

FAVORITE PASTIME: Lying at anchor in a peaceful bay or harbour and looking at the flash frigates. (1)

FAVORITE BOOK: I can't read but I love listening to my captain's stories, even if many of them get a bit unrealistic after the first bottle of rum. But at least they're entertaining!

THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Being careened on a lonely beach to have all those nasty barnacles scratched off my hull, and my captain sensuously petting my wheel.

THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Being burned by that funny little smurf with the big wig and the squeaky voice.

FAVORITE SMELLS: Fresh rum – I'm a pirate ship, after all!

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK WHEN YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING: Ahhhhh…it feels nice to have my deck swabbed on my favourite spot between guns two and three on the starboard side!

FAVORITE FOODS: Anything that's really dead, not alive with weevils and maggots like some of those rather old ship's biscuits! I hate the feeling of them scrabbling around in my insides…

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: Oh, I don't mind carrying either of them. They smell better than my crew, in any case!

STORMS, COOL OR SCARY: Scary. The pressure of the wind makes my masts hurt. Ow!

FAVORITE DRINK: The rum my crewmembers sometimes spill on my deck. Alas, it isn't much, they're vey careful with it!

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT THE WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE: I would stop people blowing holes into ships. They don't realise how that hurts!

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE: Nothing, really. I'm very content with myself now that I'm not cursed anymore.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE: Yes, with a cute little whaling ship called the Diamond. But then another one, named Eliza Swann, came and ruined it all! (2)

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL: That depends on whether it has been turned recently. Oh, you're _not_ talking about the hourglass? Oops, sorry…

WHAT'S IN YOUR ANXIETY CLOSET: Being crushed by the Kraken just because he's after the shiny trinkets in my captain's hair! _That's_ why the Kraken was after him, Jack only made up the Davy Jones story afterwards because he thought it sounded more…well, piratey!

WHAT'S YOUR LOFTIEST DREAM: Hosting the next Talk Like A Pirate Day celebrations of the Tortuga Club of Relationally Dysfunctional Bachelors, of which my captain is the president.

WHAT'S YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE: Being told that my new owner is the funny little smurf with the big wig and the squeaky voice. I really don't like the cut of his jib!

WHAT DO YOU WISH PEOPLE KNEW ABOUT YOU THAT YOU FEEL THEY DON'T: I'm not an East Indiaman, I'm a galleon! It's rather obvious, don't you think? (3)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_(1) "The Flash Frigate" is a rather sarcastic sailor's ballad from the Napoleonic Wars; in 18th century slang,"flash" was an adjective meaning something like "elegant, refined and fashionable". "Flash girls", however, were something quite different, though : ) _

_(2) The Black Pearl's answer to "Have you ever been in love" was inspired by a verse from the song "The Bonny Ship The Diamond" – I found it funny that one of the ships mentioned in it is called Eliza Swann! _

_Here's a health to the Resolution,_

_Likewise Eliza Swann,_

_Here's a health to the Rattler of Montrose_

_And the Diamond, ship of fame._

_We wear the trousers of the white _

_And the jackets of the blue,_

_When we return toPeterhead _

_We'll have sweethearts anew. _

_(3) According to some site I read recently, the Black Pearl is an East Indiaman, but, judging by her forecastle she can only be a me if I'm wrong, though! _


	13. Jack the Monkey

_I still don't own them…I only own the undead fleas, but I wish I didn't! _

NAME: Jack the Monkey

LIVING ARRANGEMENT: Wherever my pet, Captain Barbossa, goes.

FAVORITE PASTIME: Stealing golden medallions, dropping pirates' favourite hats in the big wet blue thing and being generally annoying.

FAVORITE BOOK: "The Voyage of the _Sea Monkey_" by Captain Ook.

THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: When I discovered that the pair of smelly boots in Tia Dalma's hut that were attached to a pair of equally smelly feet belonged to Captain Barbossa!

THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Discovering that you've been named after some whacky pirate who is three sheets to the wind most of the time, and smells funny, or being shot at by said whacky pirate just because he got out of his hammock on the wrong side in the morning and needs to vent his feelings. Can't anyone buy him a punching bag?

FAVORITE SMELLS: Lady monkeys who…er…are in the mood for meeting male monkeys and getting to know them quite well…but not those of Tortuga, as they all bite and then tell you that you've deserved it!

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK WHEN YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING: "Ook." I'm afraid I'm not very talkative in the mornings.

FAVORITE FOODS: Bananas, especially if I can drop the peels on the deck and watch those funny humans slip on them while they're doing their little jar-of-dirt dance…

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: Neither, thank you. I'd like to have a banana split, please!

STORMS, COOL OR SCARY: Cool. It's the silly little humans who have to be afraid of being washed overboard or blown out of the rigging – if they had prehensile feet like we apes and monkeys do, a storm wouldn't be a problem for them. The wimps.

FAVORITE DRINK: Water, as I get nothing else, but if it existed, it would be banana-flavoured rum…

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT THE WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE: I don't know if that counts, but I'd switch off that stupid moon! Turning into a skeleton when it shines really is no fun…

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE: I would like to look less mangy in the moonlight because it turns the monkey ladies off!

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE: No, never. There IS a certain shortage of monkey ladies around, in case you haven't noticed, though Pintel and Gibbs are just as hairy…uuuuuuggggh, I'd better not pursue this thought any further!

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL: Totally empty because I've just knocked it over. I love to see Jack Sparrow's face change colours when I do that!

WHAT'S IN YOUR ANXIETY CLOSET: Undead fleas!

WHAT'S YOUR LOFTIEST DREAM: Getting a small but significant role in "Planet of the Apes"…

WHAT'S YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE: That someone finds out that monkeys and humans are actually related. That thought is giving me nightmares!

WHAT DO YOU WISH PEOPLE KNEW ABOUT YOU THAT YOU FEEL THEY DON'T: Undead monkeys make really great pets…we're just victims of bad press, that's all!


	14. Giselle and Scarlet

_Insert usual disclaimer here. I'm only doing this for fun – that's enough of a reward. _

NAME: Giselle and Scarlet

LIVING ARRANGEMENT: Rooms number 3 and 4 of Madame Michelle's Pirate Leisure Centre on the lovely holiday island Tortuga.

FAVORITE PASTIME: Playing backgammon and slapping Jack Sparrow. The latter is even more fun than the former, especially since he's always deserved it!

FAVORITE BOOK: "One Hand Slapping" by Elizabeth I of England. (1)

THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Seeing that little Turner whelp's face when we told him to say Hello to Jack from us…

THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Discovering that make-up looks far better on a certain pirate than it does on yourself! That's really depressing…

FAVORITE SMELLS: That new pirate aftershave everybody has these days – "Marooned" by Alexander Selkirk. (2)

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK WHEN YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING: If you slap a pirate in the woods, and nobody is there to hear it, does it make a sound?

FAVORITE FOODS: "Turtle Nuggets" with sweet-sour sauce from the sail-in down in the harbour.

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: Whatever that is, we don't do that! You pervert! _(slap!)_

STORMS, COOL OR SCARY: Cool, because that's the best time to go out and scare old Gibbs, the superstitious sailor poster boy.

FAVORITE DRINK: The lovely rum cocktail they serve down at the bar – rum with a dash of rum and some rum for the taste. And a funny little paper umbrella with a Jolly Roger printed on it.

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT THE WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE: For – ahem – obvious reasons it would be great if all the sailors in the world had more money and more shore leave!

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE: An additional arm so we can slap both sides of Jack's face at once would be nice!

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE: Not really in love, but we both have a soft spot for dear Blackbeard. We LOVE wild-eyed, barking-mad men who braid smoldering slow-match into their beards…very sexy!

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL: If Jack Sparrow buys us a drink, it had better be more than just half full, or there'll be trouble!

WHAT'S IN YOUR ANXIETY CLOSET: Finding out that Jack Sparrow has stolen not only our make-up, but our parasols as well!

WHAT'S YOUR LOFTIEST DREAM: Slapping Cutler Beckett repeatedly! Unfortunately, there's a long queue of people in front of his door already…it's a good thing Giselle brought two chairs!

WHAT'S YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE: Jack Sparrow and all the others following Bartholomew Roberts' example and becoming strict teetotallers – especially now that Madame Michelle has just invested a lot of money in a new roof! Stupid hurricane season...

WHAT DO YOU WISH PEOPLE KNEW ABOUT YOU THAT YOU FEEL THEY DON'T: We never slap people unless they've really deserved it!

_(1) Queen Elizabeth I was known, among other things, for having a really short fuse with courtiers who annoyed her, and slapping them or throwing shoes at them…_

_(2) Alexander Selkirk's story became the inspiration for "Robinson Crusoe". I can't post any links here, but Wikipedia has a good article about him._


	15. Tia Dalma

_This is so you know why Tia Dalma REALLY brought Barbossa back to life: ) The rubber chicken with the pulley in the middle belongs to the makers of Monkey Island I, Tia Dalma and all the other characters belong to Disney…the only thing I own is this computer! _

_This is for Matteic, who is doing such a great job translating my "story" into French, and for sudoku and everyone else who asked me to do Tia Dalma. Enjoy! _

NAME: Tia Dalma

LIVING ARRANGEMENT: In a nice little hut in a homely little swamp on a Caribbean island. I know I should tidy up one day, but I really don't find the time…maybe I can bring that Barbossa back from the dead and make him help me throw away the heavy stuff!

FAVORITE PASTIME: Making voodoo spells and reading grimoires…obviously NOT tidying up!

FAVORITE BOOK: "Eye of newt and toe of frog, wool of bat and tongue of dog – The Beginner's Guide to Magic" by those nice Scottish witches who once made a prophecy to that Macbeth fellow.

THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Slapping my very life-like Jack Sparrow Voodoo Doll.

THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Seeing that annoying monkey run away with my Jack Sparrow Voodoo Doll and having to resort to boxing my pillow. It simply isn't the same!

FAVORITE SMELLS: Swamp gas.

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK WHEN YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING: Damn! I really need to throw away some of those things littering the floor…tomorrow!

FAVORITE FOODS: Swampfood. That's a bit like seafood, only it lives in swamps. Yummy.

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: Neither, thank you. I don't like the taste and smell of them, and they're no good for doing voodoo spells. And even if I liked them, that annoying monkey would steal and eat them anyway!

STORMS, COOL OR SCARY: Cool. They provide a great backdrop for spells, put you in the right mood for that kind of thing and so on, you know…

FAVORITE DRINK: That funny green potion that glows in the dark. It doesn't do anything magical, but it tickles very nicely when it runs down your throat, and it looks interesting if you use your chamberpot at night afterwards!

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT THE WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE: It would be nice if my teeth could be as white as they were before. Shouldn't have tried to invent a magical mouthwash. Duh.

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE: Instead of living in this swamp like some Caribbean version of Yoda, I would like to open a Rubber-Chicken-With-A-Pulley-In-The-Middle shop on Mêlée Island…

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE: Yes, and it was nice at first, but then he started throwing away some of my things, so I threw him out.

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL: Half full…of eyeballs, if you mean the one Ragetti is staring into!

WHAT'S IN YOUR ANXIETY CLOSET: Being made to work in a posh house like the Governor's – as a cleaning lady!

WHAT'S YOUR LOFTIEST DREAM: Inventing a Tidying-Up Spell. That would come in very handy!

WHAT'S YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE: Inventing such a spell that backfires and makes my hut look (and smell) like the inside of a pirate's sea chest instead. That's not a sight you want to see, believe me!

WHAT DO YOU WISH PEOPLE KNEW ABOUT YOU THAT YOU FEEL THEY DON'T: Er…my hut doesn't look like that because I'm too lazy to tidy up – you HAVE to live in a cluttered hut in a swamp if you're a self-respecting voodoo priestess! (And don't give me that doubtful look, or I'll turn you into a frog!)


	16. The dog with the keys

_Author's Note: The "Sea Dogs" was a nickname given to Sir Francis Drake and his colleagues. Apparently Poochie doesn't know his pirate history very well…_

NAME: I don't really have a name, but that hairy pirate who smells funny calls me Poochie. I rather like that name!

LIVING ARRANGEMENT: In the jail of Port Royal, opposite the cells.

FAVORITE PASTIME: Ignoring imprisoned pirates who are trying to call me over and get my keys from me.

FAVORITE BOOK: Being a dog, I can't read, but I enjoyed chewing the copy of "Robinson Crusoe" one of the imprisoned pirates had with him. He wasn't going to need it anyway, I can't understand why he made such a fuss! There's humans for you…

THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Having my ears scratched by that funny-smelling hairy pirate and his skinny mate, and playing with the latter's wooden eye.

THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Meeting a tribe of cannibals who are strangely enamoured of the word "Hot Dog"!

FAVORITE SMELLS: The bits of sausage one of the nice red-coated humans always brings for me.

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK WHEN YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING: I wish they'd stop bringing pirates here…I'll never get rid of those fleas!

FAVORITE FOODS: Nice juicy marrowbones. Unfortunately, as soon as I get them, that Clanker fellow turns up and steals them. Not fair!

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: I don't care for either of them, a juicy steak is much nicer!

STORMS, COOL OR SCARY: Scary. YOU wouldn't like lightning either if you were running around with iron keys in your mouth!

FAVORITE DRINK: Water, of course. What did you expect?

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT THE WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE: Sometimes I wonder if things would be better if the world was ruled by dogs…

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE: I would like to have hands, or a pocket, so I wouldn't have to carry those keys around in my mouth. They taste awful!

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE: I once met someone named Cutler Beckett, who had this truly beautiful fluffy female poodle with painted claws…I wonder what has become of her! (Sigh)

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL: I'm sorry I can't tell you, as I haven't got a glass. But my water bowl is always full, thanks to the nice red-coated humans around this place!

WHAT'S IN YOUR ANXIETY CLOSET: That wild-eyed pirate with the flaming beard. He looks as if he would drink the beer and then eat the glass, and he would certainly not spare a poor little dog like me!

WHAT'S YOUR LOFTIEST DREAM: Being one of the "Sea Dogs" I've heard about. I wonder how they got up into the rigging, though, as dogs' paws aren't made for climbing!

WHAT'S YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE: Being stuck on a deserted island populated with nothing but cats!

WHAT DO YOU WISH PEOPLE KNEW ABOUT YOU THAT YOU FEEL THEY DON'T: I DO move sometimes, but I certainly don't for a dry old bone that has no taste left in it!


	17. Governor Swann

_**Author's notes**: Maybe I've watched Muppet Treasure Island too often, but I think Governor Swann looks a bit like Fozzie Bear as Squire Trelawney - must be the wig! _

_For those who haven't seen the film, Squire Trelawney tells everybody that a clever little man named Mr. Bimbo is living in his finger…_

_Henry Morgan was a pirate and privateer in the 1670s, who was made governor of Jamaica at one point. _

_sudoku asked me to include one of Tia's recipes, so I did that - you can find it at the end._

NAME: Governor Swann.

LIVING ARRANGEMENT: In my lovely mansion up on the hill which has a great view of the salty, wet, blue thing, as my old friend Squire Trelawney would say.

FAVORITE PASTIME: Ruling this lovely island and engaging formerly-undead pirates in boxing matches. Yay! I rock!

FAVORITE BOOK: "Governing For Dummies" by my predecessor Henry Morgan.

THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Getting my latest order from Wigs'R'Us.

THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Being told that they stopped making my favourite "Jamaican Governor Extra Itchy Periwig with Lots Of Curls", and being arrested by a certain talking garden gnome.

FAVORITE SMELLS: Wig powder

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK WHEN YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING: My wig! My wig! A kingdom for my wig!

FAVORITE FOODS: Swamp Chicken Supreme – my cook has been producing some rather interesting dishes since she bought that Tia Dalma Voodoo Cookbook!

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: Neither, as both sticks to my wig and makes nasty stains.

STORMS, COOL OR SCARY: Cool. I'm the coolest governor in the whole Caribbean, and I'm not afraid of anything. Being the governor of this island is no job for sissies! After all, I really showed those nasty, undead pirates who is the top dog here, too!

FAVORITE DRINK: Rum, of course. Supporting the local economy is one of my most important duties, after all!

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT THE WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE: It would be good if there were a 24-hour emergency wig service!

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE: Please don't laugh – I would like to have a secret identity as the first pirate-fighting Caribbean superhero!

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE: Yes, and I hoped we'd have lots of wonderful children together. But all we got is a rum-burning little…er, hello Elizabeth, funny, I was just speaking of you! Do you want some biscuits?

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL: Half full – as long as I have my beloved Miss Wiggy with me!

WHAT'S IN YOUR ANXIETY CLOSET: Finding the undead hand of a skeleton pirate in my sock drawer, undoubtedly trying to steal my best silk stockings. Eeeeeeeeewwwwwwww. Nasty thing!

WHAT'S YOUR LOFTIEST DREAM: Having a clever little man living in my finger to give me advice and help me in difficult situations! I wonder if that Mr. Bimbo has a brother who would like to move in.

WHAT'S YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE: For some reason I can't explain, the thought of my daughter marrying a eunuch…

WHAT DO YOU WISH PEOPLE KNEW ABOUT YOU THAT YOU FEEL THEY DON'T: I am NOT related to a certain bear!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_By the way, here's the recipe for Voodoo Chicken Surprise, one of Tia Dalma's recipes, especially for Sudoku:_

**VOODOO CHICKEN SURPRISE**

You need:

- one large swamp chicken  
- lots of nasty things from the jars that dangle from the ceiling  
- spices  
- a bottle of rum  
- an undead monkey

Clean and pluck the swamp chicken. Wash off most of the mud, but not all, since that adds to the taste.  
Put the chicken entrails in Barbossa's boot, just to tick him off.  
Blindly grab some of the dangling jars and put their contents in the chicken before sewing it up. (That's the "Surprise" part.)  
Sprinkle the chicken with the spices (paprika goes well not only with certain pirates, but also with swamp chicken), put it in a pan and put it in the oven. Pour some rum over the chicken, and drink the rest.  
After one hour, get the undead monkey to take the chicken out of the oven as you've just finished off that bottle of rum and have lost all your fine motor skills.  
If you can still stand, eat the chicken and enjoy the surprise ingredients of its filling. If not, sleep it off and eat the chicken cold for breakfast the next morning.


	18. Joshamee Gibbs

NAME: Joshamee Gibbs.

LIVING ARRANGEMENT: The second-best cabin of the Black Pearl, the one I'm sharing with the Turner boy at the moment. I'm glad he's not his father's splitting image in _every _respect, as old Bootstrap's snoring would have woken the dead!

FAVORITE PASTIME: Looking for bad omens and drinking rum. It works very well in combination.

FAVORITE BOOK: "Red Sky At Morning – the Great Illustrated Encyclopedia of Sailor Superstitions"

THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Being invited to a drink by Jack Sparrow…and getting the larger mug for a change!

THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Discovering that one of the pigs has eaten my four-leaf clover and rabbit's foot during the night.

FAVORITE SMELLS: My two best friends, the Tortugan pigs Snouty and Tusk.

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK WHEN YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING: Shove off, Sparrow – waking a sleeping man and his two piggy friends is bad luck!

FAVORITE FOODS: It used to be salt pork, but now that I know Snouty and Tusker, I've switched to tofu. Now don't give me such a disgusted look; if you keep it in a barrel on board your ship for long enough, it will finally look like the real stuff!

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: Chocolate, because the pigs like it and it goes nicely with rum.

STORMS, COOL OR SCARY: Oh, I'm not afraid of storms. I don't need to be if I have all my lucky charms and my trusty rum flask with me!

FAVORITE DRINK: The fermented and distilled extract of sugar cane, the heavenly nectar also known as rum. (Sorry, I was just having a Jack Sparrow moment!)

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT THE WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE: I would pass a law that forbids people to throw water on other people to wake them up and remove that smell. What smell, anyway?

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE: I would like to be twenty years younger, since I've really taken a liking to Tia Dalma. She has a lovely swamp, too, the pigs would be so happy there!

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE: Yes, there was this wonderful woman I met when I still was in the Navy, but one morning I awoke to find that she had gone and had taken all my money, my pocket watch and some other valuable things with her. I really should have known, after all I first met her on a Friday the 13th…

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL: _looks sadly at leather flask _Hmm, I don't know about glasses, but this one's half empty again…I wonder if all the rum leaks out or something!

WHAT'S IN YOUR ANXIETY CLOSET: Mermaids. Sirens. Killing a dolphin or an albatross. Women on board. Whistling on board. Breaking a mirror. In other words, everything that is bad luck!

WHAT'S YOUR LOFTIEST DREAM: Once I get too old to follow the sea, I'd love to settle down in a nice house on the coast, with some pigs for company and a well-stocked rum cellar…

WHAT'S YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE: See two questions above. And please excuse me for a moment, I've got to throw salt over my shoulder and do some other strange-looking things to ward off bad luck!

WHAT DO YOU WISH PEOPLE KNEW ABOUT YOU THAT YOU FEEL THEY DON'T: I'm not neurotic or superstitious, I'm just careful!


	19. Ana Maria

_Author's Note: I've been listening to "Cabin Fever" while writing this, so that's where the "Anxiety Closet" entry comes from. Kids, don't try to imagine Ana Maria (or anyone) in a sparkly bikini…just don't!_

"_That Bonney wench" is a reference to Anne Bonney, one of the two famous female pirates of that period (the other being Mary Read). _

_As for "long pork", this supposedly is an euphemism for human flesh. Couldn't resist, mate: ) _

NAME: Ana Maria

LIVING ARRANGEMENT: In the hammock near the hatchway, the one that has "Keep off or you'll get slapped repeatedly" embroidered on both sides.

FAVORITE PASTIME: Giving Jack Sparrow dirty looks and slapping him, and knitting Jolly Rogers in various designs and colours.

FAVORITE BOOK: "Good Girls Get To Heaven, Bad Girls Get Everywhere" by Anne Bonney and Mary Read.

THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Sailing your brand-new boat for the first time.

THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Hearing that the title of "Miss Tortuga" you had so hoped to win was snatched by that Bonney wench, and not being able to blame Jack Sparrow for that!

FAVORITE SMELLS: My boat, which is now in Davy Jones' locker, thanks to that idiot Sparrow. Sniff. If I get my hands on him, I'll "snip snip" HIM!

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK WHEN YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING: SPARROW! What have you done while I was asleep to deserve another slap or two?

FAVORITE FOODS: Salt pork. Not salt _long_ pork, of course, especially NOT when it comes with lots of exotic fruits and wears more make-up than even Scarlett and Giselle!

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: Chocolate, as it helps me to calm down when I find out that a certain pirate who walks like a girl has sunk my boat!

STORMS, COOL OR SCARY: Cool. I'm not scared easily, I prefer scaring others. Like Jack Sparrow for example – at least he admits that he's deserved it!

FAVORITE DRINK: That's a very silly question to ask a pirate, don't you think? Why don't you tell me that you want to be slapped right away?

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT THE WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE: It would be nice if all boats came with a kind of boat immobilizer, meaning that nobody but their rightful owner could sail away with them. What do you mean I'm obsessed? I'm not, I'm _focused_!

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE: I would like to be able to control my temper so when I finally DO meet the pirate of my dreams, I don't knock him out and ruin everything from the start!

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE: No, not yet. I'm a hard-working pirate, so I don't have much time for that kind of thing.

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL: Half full. I wish that skinflint of an innkeeper would fill them up all the way to the top, for the same price!

WHAT'S IN YOUR ANXIETY CLOSET: Getting cabin fever while lying in the doldrums and behaving like a complete idiot while wearing a sparkly bikini!

WHAT'S YOUR LOFTIEST DREAM: Winning that expensive brace of silver-plated pistols that's the first price in the Tortuga Pirate Pub Quiz…

WHAT'S YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE: Having that nasty Jack Sparrow steal my nice new boat and sink it like he did the last one!

WHAT DO YOU WISH PEOPLE KNEW ABOUT YOU THAT YOU FEEL THEY DON'T: I'm not always a shrew, I can be quite nice actually…sometimes…like that time when I got knocked out by a piece of yardarm and had a very nasty concussion…


	20. The jar of dirt

NAME: The Jar of Dirt ™

LIVING ARRANGEMENT: Formerly, half buried under a pile of used voodoo dolls in Tia Dalma's bedroom. These days I'm carried around by Captain Sparrow during the day, and I lie in his hammock with him at night.

FAVORITE PASTIME: Keeping off Davy Jones and reflecting the sunlight.

FAVORITE BOOK: I can't read. I'm just a jar of dirt!

THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Being pulled out from out of that pile of used voodoo dolls.

THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: When that Captain Jack put Davy Jones' heart into me. Eeeeeeew, disgusting!

FAVORITE SMELLS: I can't smell, I have no nose. Jack the monkey tells me that's a good thing when you're around pirates, though.

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK WHEN YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING: I don't sleep, so I don't have to wake up…

FAVORITE FOODS: Well, I don't really eat, but I like it when someone puts nice, fresh sand into me.

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: Never heard of that - is it a new kind of dirt?

STORMS, COOL OR SCARY: Cool. As long as I'm safely tucked under Captain Sparrow's arm nothing can happen to me. At least that's what I hope…

FAVORITE DRINK: I don't like liquids, they make the dirt inside me muddy! Eek!

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT THE WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE: It would be nice if the world were a friendlier and more welcoming place for all things made of glass. Thinking of all the poor bottles and glasses that are broken in Tortuga only every day makes me sad, very, very sad…

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE: I'm quite happy with things as they are, though I have the feeling that having hands wouldn't be so bad.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE: Yes, with that lovely green wine bottle on the next shelf. But one day Tia used it to put one of her potions in and gave it to a customer…haven't seen it since…

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL: I _am_ the glass, silly! And at the moment I'm about three-quarters full of the finest sand from Tia Dalma's island.

WHAT'S IN YOUR ANXIETY CLOSET: Being used for pickling eyeballs…or things that are even worse!

WHAT'S YOUR LOFTIEST DREAM: Becoming a Jar of Gold Dust ™!

WHAT'S YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE: Being dropped and breaking into a thousand pieces on the deck.

WHAT DO YOU WISH PEOPLE KNEW ABOUT YOU THAT YOU FEEL THEY DON'T: We jars of dirt are highly underrated – if only you knew how the world would look without us!


	21. Mr Cotton's parrot

_A/N:Here's another one, I'm sorry for taking so long, but I've been very busy and not feeling well. For those who don't know "Treasure Island"; one of the book's main characters, the one-legged sea-cook Long John Silver has a parrot called Captain Flint who says nothing but "Pieces of eight". _

_My birds always are extremely listless when moulting (even the indefatigable zebra finches); looking at them sitting on their perches like little wet rags inspired the answer to the "Glass" question. _

_Matteic, j'espère que traduire "poultrysophical" n'est pas trop difficile. Peut-être ça serait "poulesophique" en français?: ) D'ailleurs, "Polly" est le nom stéréotypé pour les perroquets en anglais, et "Polly wants a cracker" est une phrase stéréotypée qu'on les enseigne. Est-ce que ça existe aussi en France? _

NAME: Polly – what else?

LIVING ARRANGEMENT: On Mr Cotton's shoulder.

FAVORITE PASTIME: Eating sunflower seeds and saying piraty things, like "Shiver me timbers" and "Ye scurvy dog".

FAVORITE BOOK: "Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? – A Collection of Poultrysophical Essays By Various Authors"

THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Using one of those funny red-coated humans for…well…target practice!

THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Being chased by Will Turner or Barbossa because they want a new feather for their hats!

FAVORITE SMELLS: We birds don't have a sense of smell, so I can't reply to that question…

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK WHEN YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING: Yummy, breakfast – I love the tasty weevils in the ship's biscuits, and I can't understand why humans make such a fuss about them!

FAVORITE FOODS: Now you're NOT going to make me say "Polly wants a cracker", are you? I'm not, and I repeat, NOT going to say that! Ever!!!

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: Neither, I'd rather have a nice, juicy apple, but Barbossa is keeping them all for himself. Unfair!!!

STORMS, COOL OR SCARY: Cool. I love to cling to the rigging and yell insults at passing sea birds then!

FAVORITE DRINK: Water. _Someone_ on this ship HAS to remain sober!

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT THE WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE: It would be nice if Tortuga had some places where parrots can have fun as well. I mean, my crew disappears into one of the numerous establishments to have fun, and what can I do? Sit on a branch and eat seeds…VERY exciting!

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE: I would like to erase the sight of Captain Jack prancing around with that banana from my memory. I guess it's is going to haunt me until my dying day…

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE: Yes, with Captain Flint, Long John Silver's parrot. Such a lovely bird he was, if a bit monosyllabic…

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL: Half full, except when I'm moulting. I hate it when that time comes around again!

WHAT'S IN YOUR ANXIETY CLOSET: Pintel sneaking up to me and whispering: "Roast chicken…parrots taste just like chicken…"

WHAT'S YOUR LOFTIEST DREAM: I would love to have those trinkets Jack Sparrow wears in his hair, as we parrots love to play with shiny things. But I don't dare try to steal any of them while he's sleeping, since his shooting abilities have drastically improved since that undead monkey is around…

WHAT'S YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE: Ending up as a substitute for Tia Dalma's Voodoo Chicken Surprise!

WHAT DO YOU WISH PEOPLE KNEW ABOUT YOU THAT YOU FEEL THEY DON'T: I **don't** want a bleedin' cracker!!!!!!!


	22. Jack's compass

_A/N: Sorry, I couldn't resist putting in another Monkey Island reference – in the first part you need the navigator's head to find your way through the caves and caverns under Monkey Island. In the second part you find out that the navigator's head once belonged to the dreadlocked Captain Dread, who takes you from one island to the next. _

_I promise that this will be the last chapter with a rubber-chicken-with-a-pulley-in-the-middle reference, if not, Davy Jones shall pressgang me and carry me off to the Flying Dutchman! (Famous last words…) _

"_Blood Red Roses" is the title of a sea shanty that's currently playing in my head : ) _

NAME: I don't have a name. I'm just a compass!

LIVING ARRANGEMENT: On a string dangling from Captain Jack's belt, next to his pink sash. At least it's faded now; it looked pretty horrible when it was new!

FAVORITE PASTIME: Pointing towards what my bearer desires most, provided it doesn't mean we end up in a pirate bar, and, later on, face down in the gutter.

FAVORITE BOOK: "Alternate Methods of Navigation" by Captain Dread – if you order before Christmas you get your own shrunken navigator's head for free. (No, I'm NOT getting paid for this…)

THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Guiding my dear captain across the seven seas (preferably while not getting breathed upon too often).

THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Hearing that stuffy Navy fellow say I'm broken because I don't point north.

FAVORITE SMELLS: Blood red roses.

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK WHEN YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING: I have to point to Captain Jack's breakfast rum!

FAVORITE FOODS: I don't like any kind of food because it makes my needle sticky. I still shudder when I think of the time that annoying monkey put a piece of banana into me!

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: Well, all I know is north, south, east and west, I've never heard of compass points with such silly names!

STORMS, COOL OR SCARY: Cool – not being able to be seasick has its advantages!

FAVORITE DRINK: None – I try to stay away from liquids of any kind, since they make me rust.

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT THE WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE: I would make a law that prohibits Navy guys to make nasty remarks about special compasses like me!

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE: I think I'm fine as I am, though I sometimes have a feeling that having a pulley in the middle would be the icing on the cake…

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE: I don't know, because I can't point to what I desire most. I tried ot train Captain Jack to do that for me, but he didn't get it…

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL: I can't really tell, since all glasses have the tendency to be emptied rather quickly when Captain Jack is around…

WHAT'S IN YOUR ANXIETY CLOSET: The Port Royal scrap metal dealer!

WHAT'S YOUR LOFTIEST DREAM: Getting my own exhibition room in the Greenwich Maritime Museum once Captain Jack retires and doesn't need me anymore.

WHAT'S YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE: Being swallowed by the Kraken along with Captain Jack, because that would confuse me terribly – am I to point to what Captain Jack wants, or to what the Kraken wants then?

WHAT DO YOU WISH PEOPLE KNEW ABOUT YOU THAT YOU FEEL THEY DON'T: I was NOT pointing to Elizabeth on that day on the beach, I was pointing to what she had in her pocket – a box of rum truffles!


	23. The bone in Jack's hair

_A/N: "Boney Was A Warrior" is a shanty making fun of Napoleon from Nelson's time. The bit about being connected to the head bone comes from the song "Dem Dry Bones", which was constantly playing in my head as I wrote this chapter. I have no idea why ;) _

_This chapter is dedicated to my best friend, thank you for the inspiration! _

NAME: Tibia. It's a nice name for a pretty leg bone like me, don't you think?

LIVING ARRANGEMENT: Being connected to the head-bone, or in other words, attached to a strand of Captain Jack's hair on the right side of his head.

FAVORITE PASTIME: Enjoying the view from Captain Jack's head and being secretly relieved that all his female acquaintances are right-handed, as that means only his left cheek gets slapped…

FAVORITE BOOK: "Boney Was A Warrior" – the story of a brave little bone who made its way in the big, bad world!

THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Looking at the sea from the crow's nest of a proud pirate ship…noticing that you really are looking down from the yard of a sinking fishing boat is kind of disillusioning!

THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Waking up one morning and noticing that I had been replaced by a rib bone while I was asleep. Fortunately, Captain Jack soon discovered that he liked me better, and threw that stupid old rib bone away!

FAVORITE SMELLS: The fresh, salty sea breeze – it's then that I thank my lucky stars that I'm not mouldering in some grave or on a dungheap somewhere!

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK WHEN YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING: Ouch! Why can't Captain Jack sleep on his _left_ side for a change?

FAVORITE FOODS: Who was the nasty person that just said "roasted bone marrow"? That's not funny!!!

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: Whatever goes better with green mould.

STORMS, COOL OR SCARY: Scary, as I might get torn off and blown away!

FAVORITE DRINK: Rum. I usually get some when Captain Jack falls asleep with his head on the table. If he keels over backwards, I'm not so lucky.

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT THE WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE: I wish people had more respect for bones. In each living person there's a set of bones wanting to get out…

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE: Being such an attractive and clever bone, I would like to become the Emperor of Bone China!

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE: Well, there was this Danish fellow named Yorick…

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL: Half full; unlike most of my poor brethren, who lie in the nasty cold earth somewhere, I can enjoy the sunlight and the fresh air every day. I'm a very happy bone!

WHAT'S IN YOUR ANXIETY CLOSET: The ever-hungry pigs and dogs (and certain pirates) of Tortuga.

WHAT'S YOUR LOFTIEST DREAM: Singing "Dem Dry Bones" in a duet with Yorick with some of those undead pirates as a background choir!

WHAT'S YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE: Ending up in a huge pot of boiling water, together with some onions, carrots, celery, salt…

WHAT DO YOU WISH PEOPLE KNEW ABOUT YOU THAT YOU FEEL THEY DON'T: Bones aren't just dead sticks made of calcium, they also have a heart and a soul – well, a marrow rather, but I think you get my meaning!


	24. Jack's hat

NAME: I don't officially have a name, but during our more private moments in his cabin, Jack calls me Hattie…

LIVING ARRANGEMENT: On Captain Jack's head during the day, and on top of the modern art sculpture that only very narrow-minded persons mistake for a heap of dirty shirts, stockings and plates next to his cot during the night.

FAVORITE PASTIME: Sitting on top of Captain Jack's head and trying to foresee which woman slaps him next.

FAVORITE BOOK: "I Came, I Saw, I Covered" by Hattila the Hun.

THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Going sightseeing in Singapore with Captain Jack.

THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Being eaten by that nasty big piece of seafood Davy Jones calls the Kraken!

FAVORITE SMELLS: Captain Jack's Anti-Dandruff Pirate Shampoo, which contains rum and various substances that help keep the beads and trinkets in his hair nice and shiny.

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK WHEN YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING: What shall I do with my drunken sailor?

FAVORITE FOODS: I don't need to eat, but I thrive on the reputation of being the flashest hat of the flashest pirate captain in the whole Caribbean!

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: Neither; they both make nasty stains on me!

STORMS, COOL OR SCARY: Scary, as I'm afraid to be blown away. Captain Jack's hair is not _that_ sticky yet!

FAVORITE DRINK: Salt spray and rain water.

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT THE WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE: Why can't there be a more effective means of transportation for hats? People aren't that reliable, sadly…

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE: I would like to have a lovely, fluffy feather like Will Turner's and Barbossa's hat have!

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE: Yes…with Barbossa's hat. Who could resist a hat with such a lovely feather?

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL: Err, since when do hats have glasses? Have you been in the sun for too long? A good hat would help there! (hint, hint)

WHAT'S IN YOUR ANXIETY CLOSET: Falling victim to the Tortuga Old Clothes Collection the next time Captain Jack sleeps it off in the gutter!

WHAT'S YOUR LOFTIEST DREAM: I would like to have a hat box of my own, with Jolly Rogers made out of sequins on the outside!

WHAT'S YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE: Learning that Captain Jack got himself a new hat…a bigger one…a better one!

WHAT DO YOU WISH PEOPLE KNEW ABOUT YOU THAT YOU FEEL THEY DON'T: It's not just the size of the hat that counts…


	25. The cannibals

_A/N: Blame sudoku for this chapter, it was she who gave me the idea ; ) _

_Lemonhead is one of the vegetarian cannibals from the Monkey Island games. I guess he wrote that book before he became a vegetarian…The tofu mask is from the games as well. I found it so, err, lovely that I couldn't resist mentioning it. Pirate: ) _

NAME: The cannibals of Pelegosto Island. We're doing this questionnaire together, and filling in all our names would take up too much space.

LIVING ARRANGEMENT: On lovely Pelegosto Island, the Caribbean's latest holiday paradise. You should come and visit it, too – it has all you need, and you'll get a lovely feather duster, err, we mean, sceptre, all for yourself!

FAVORITE PASTIME: Cooking and playing miniature golf. Alright, so we lied about the miniature golf, but is that a reason to scowl at us like that?

FAVORITE BOOK: "Pirates – The Other White Meat" by Lemonhead of Monkey Island.

THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Finding someone we can not only make our god, but can also help shuffle off his mortal coil. We just wanted to eat him because letting something go to waste just doesn't do!

THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Seeing your Sunday roast run away...the kids were SO disappointed!

FAVORITE SMELLS: That's different for everyone of us, but we all agree that the smell of a pirate crew is NOT our favourite one!

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK WHEN YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING: It would be good if another East India Trading Company ship called soon, as the "coffee" stuff we found on the last one was pretty good!

FAVORITE FOODS: Pirate au vin, or, lacking that, Pirate au rhum.

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: That depends on what you serve with it. Chocolate goes very well with pirates, and vanilla is just fine with their parrots!

STORMS, COOL OR SCARY: Again, some of us find storms scary, and others don't. What we all find scary, though, is being exposed to the breath of our erstwhile god and Sunday roast…we're beginning to think that it wasn't so bad that he ran away after all…

FAVORITE DRINK: It used to be fruit juice, but many of us have been traumatized by what we call the Fruit Shish Kebap Incident.

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT THE WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE: It would be nice if there was a law against people using paprika as deodorant!

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE: We would like to have cool fruit masks, like our cousins on Monkey Island!

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE: Some of us have, and some of us haven't. But we all love a nice barbecue!

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL: The glass is half full, but, sadly, the paprika sprinkler is almost empty…

WHAT'S IN YOUR ANXIETY CLOSET: Having to order take-away pizzas each time our food runs away. It's not only that it gets annoying, but it's expensive as well!

WHAT'S YOUR LOFTIEST DREAM: Opening a choice speciality restaurant in the quaint little harbour town of Puerto Pollo, next to Blondebeard's Chicken Restaurant.

WHAT'S YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE: Being forced to wear silly tofu masks for our ceremonies.

WHAT DO YOU WISH PEOPLE KNEW ABOUT YOU THAT YOU FEEL THEY DON'T: We can't think of anything people should know about _us_, but we'd like them to know that pirates and sailors definitely fall under the heading of "seafood"!


End file.
